Category Archives: New Beginngings

Jul20

Molting

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I started this journal by admitting that I’d woven feathers into my hair. At the time, it was a celebration of taking chances and investing in the next step toward personal and professional development.

The day I got feathers, I’d just returned from taking the GRE (graduate school exam), a necessary precursor to my application for admission to Harvard. It was a big risk. I’d studied. Crammed.

Ultimately, I performed reasonably well on the language portion, but although I tried to catch up on math concepts that I hadn’t used for about 30 years, only 14% of all Americans who took the GRE did worse than me. (Did you follow that sentence, and its bit of math … tricky, huh?) Luckily, I’m not pursuing a degree that relies heavily on numbers, phew!

Anyway, the GRE wasn’t the most important part of my application. Essays and recommendations were probably more important. But taking a standardized test for the first time was a big deal (to me). Sweat. Performance anxiety. Sleepless nights. Hours of study. It meant I was serious about this whole process. And I was being measured against a lot of other people who also have graduate school dreams and vocational aspirations … you get the idea.

So I’ve had these feathers since December. And for those who are curious, but haven’t had the chance to ask, you can shampoo feathers. You can brush and style them, if you want. When you get your hair cut, the feathers come out, and after the cut, they’re knotted back into place. They’re attached by a knot, but they basically stay in for a lo-o-o-o-o-o-nnnngggg time.

See, I had about 12 or so feathers when I started out. All kinds of colors. Over the course of several months (seven, but who’s counting?), they fell out a little at a time.

The last one drifted to the ground, and I didn’t even see it happen. I washed my hair this morning, and didn’t find any more plumes. Sigh. The feathers are gone. This phase is over, it seems.

The feathers were … what, a symbolic act? An external recognition of an exciting accomplishment (surviving hours in a cubicle answering questions on a computer, knowing I was bombing on the math, because my 16-digit answers didn’t fit into the 2-digit blank answer box)? A sheer giddy indulgence?

All of the above.

Their slow shedding has been, in a way, a metaphorical measurement of the many steps that have passed since I sat down to take the GRE. 43 drafts of an essay later, I completed the entire application process. Filed it online. Waited until mid-March for acceptance. Waited longer, through rounds of debate about how we’d pay for graduate school and Sarah’s college at the same time, to decide if I’d accept a spot in the 3-year, full-time MDIV program at Harvard’s Divinity School. Stayed below the radar screen a lot of the time, because this summer and this autumn are so focused on Sarah’s transition to Northeastern to study nursing, that I often forget that I have my own forms to complete, loans to secure, classes to choose and many other administrative steps to finish, also.

The final feather disappeared on the same day that I opened my new student email account, submitted my bio and picture, and looked at the list of classes available for registration. I’m still bad at math, by the way. But I can count to zero (no feathers).

Now my head is a blank canvas again; it awaits a new cut, and perhaps more decoration. Maybe I’ll re-plume. Maybe not.

Meanwhile, the first burst of feathers fulfilled its role … it served as a talisman, while I dared to dive into the unknown depths of a new adventure.

How do we outwardly mark milestones? With jewelry like class rings or engagement diamonds, perhaps. With a tattoo, permanent or temporary. A piercing. A badge or pin. A uniform or new type of clothing. Head gear. A name tag. Some grooming of hair, nails or skin, such as a haircut, mani/pedi, facial or other makeover.  A change in external style.

Other landmarks are never visible. We often don’t wear insignia to show where we have been, what we have endured and overcome, where we are going next.

Ultimately, you can’t look at a person and read their entire story based only on an outward appearance. But sometimes, it’s fun to provide a clue about what’s going on inside.

Feathers, for instance.

 

 

 

May1

Bag Lady

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This week I put out curbside donations for Big Brother Big Sister. (We also do this for the Epilepsy Foundation.) Not as many bags as last time (21 was the record) but enough.

For my family, every sweep through the house is loaded with triggers and pitfalls. I can go to the attic and pull out cartons of old lamps, bowls and shoes. Conversely, I may open a box and find a pair of plastic figurines and a dress-up costume, and be carried to a place that is both poignant and painful.

One daughter is going off to college in a few months, and the other died at the age of 9. Letting go of their childhood artifacts is always a challenge. And yet, it’s necessary. And healthy.

Really, to put out containers on the curb, I have to give away my own set of emo baggage, too, don’t I?

During this donation, for instance, I let go of Sarah and Jessies’ hand-me-down toys … the ones that I had set aside in past purges as being extra-special … and maybe worth saving. Saved for whom? When? Do I really believe in the fallacy that if I just put the “best toys” up in the attic for a few decades, I’ll be able to bring them back out and offer them to a new generation someday? Really?! (Admit it, don’t you have some version of this storyline playing out in your head, too?)

No, it’s time to pass them along. They need to be rediscovered by another family with a little girl who loves dolls and cars and word and math games.

And the dainty high-heeled shoes? Or sequined princess outfit? There’s a special young person – somewhere out in the world — who will want those, too.

De-cluttering is an act of health and wellbeing. Sometimes, when I find these “treasures” and consider their value … it is also an act of courage.

Piece by piece, I am saying good-bye to one child and giving the other daughter enough freedom to grow up. I can’t do it all at once, but every time I put out the bags, there are a few more items that it’s now safe for me to let go. In a way, these discarded objects find new homes. New purpose. New use. New life.

And you know what? I may hold my breath for a while, but afterwards, I can inhale and exhale more easily. The parts of Sarah and Jessie that matter the most – those are carried inside me – and when I let go of the objects that we once imbued with symbolism and emotional weight, it opens up more space for my girls to spread out and grow up or to transform in whatever ways are part of their journey, wherever each of them might be right now.

Whatever I am able to recycle is okay. Sometimes I can lift and hoist 21 bags. My back and arm muscles will scream later, but I’ll feel a lot lighter in spirit.

Other occasions, like this week, I can only fill a few bags to put out. That’s fine, too. Those bags are heavier to pick up and set aside than you can imagine.

Step by step, day by day, bag by bag, I am making room for whatever comes next. And along the way, if I am wise, I will have held on — in different and more important ways — to the most precious “stuff” of all: my connections to my family.

Apr9

Clearing Away Old “Stuff”

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Clutter, clutter, clutter. It’s spring, and time to let go of “stuff.” Material hoards, emotional baggage, psychological burdens.

Along with lots of old books and toys, I would like to let go of several pounds, negative self-talk, and bad habits like procrastination.

How’s that for a load that I’d be happy to give away? I’d like to put those items outside in containers, for the next charitable cause that calls and asks for a curbside donation of unused “stuff”?

I wish it was that simple.

Hmmm. In some ways, it is. Maybe I should just say “YES” to every chance to let go. It’s a way to take things, as Twelve Step programs recommend, one step at a time.

And that’s how we take our journeys, isn’t it? One step, one day, one experience at a time.

Wouldn’t it be good news to realize that transformative wish lists – like the one I mentioned above – are possible to achieve?

Personal goals like that are actually do-able.

For instance, we can handle challenges by tackling them in small increments. Then they feel – and are – manageable. Just come up with simple, small progressions of choices and actions that allow each of us – you and me — to be successful.

I’m gonna try.

Here’s my moment! Tomorrow the pick-up vehicle for Big Brother Big Sister will show up at my house. They will haul away the leftover “things” that I stack up in bags and boxes outside my front door.

It’s win-win. They need “stuff” for fundraising. I want to shed more “stuff.”

A few weeks ago, when the Epilepsy Foundation came by for donations, I discarded 21 black garbage bags filled with old toys, clothing, books, and miscellaneous items. Ironically, when you looked around the house, you couldn’t tell that I’d cleared away that much clutter.

Though the change wasn’t visible, I felt good about it. It swept away a few cobwebs in my heart and dustballs in my brain.

Now I get to do it again!

Don’t discount the correlation between your physical environment and your interior life. Believe in the strong connections between your outward surroundings and your inner wellbeing. If you can let go of some old belongings and clear away messy closets and overstuffed corners, you unload emotional or mental burdens, too.

Once I clean out a closet or drawer, I notice that I am more likely to make other small changes. I can, with patience and kindness toward myself, become more physically fit and emotionally stable. For instance, I tend to:

  • Eat better every day (choose the protein vs the carb, the hot tea vs the soda)
  • Move more often (just go for a walk several times a week
  • Meditate as part of a regular practice (yoga or prayer)

Of course, my greatest challenge is follow-through. I start out with good intentions, dive in gung-ho, then lose momentum, and give up. Ugh.

So sometimes making the commitment WITH a buddy helps. Or enrolling in a fitness class, joining a study group, or participating in a structured program like Weight Watchers reinforces good habits, lifestyle lessons and self-discipline.

Part of success is also saying “YES” to offers of change. “YES” when my friend invites me to exercise at the YMCA or go for a walk. “YES” when Big Brother Big Sister calls to pick up used belongings. “YES” when someone suggests going to a yoga session.

Or finding those chances myself, and being the one to start the buddy system, by extending the offer to others!

“YES.” You may say it someone else. But you’re also saying it to yourself.

You’re reading it here. This is my resolution for the new season. Along with putting out bags of “stuff” tomorrow, I’m taking opportunities to make changes in my own wellbeing and self-care, and answering “YES.”

But that’s tomorrow. Today I’m indulging myself. Heh-heh.