4-1/2 years ago Jessie died. At the time, we held a very public and widely-attended memorial service for her in Ipswich. Months later, we spread some (but not all) of her ashes from an airplane over the ocean beyond Plum Island and the mouth of the Ipswich River.

Today, in contrast, we held a private graveside service to inter more of her ashes. Chris, Sarah and I attended with Reverend Rebecca Pugh.

It’s taken years to come to this moment. Years.

We have known, for quite a while, that we needed a physical place to go. Someplace real where we could actually … sit with our feelings? Direct our emotions and thoughts? Attach our goodbyes and hellos?

Eventually we selected a spot on Cowles Highland Cemetery beneath a row of old maples at the crest of the hill overlooking the town. Then another few years passed. For the past few months we have worked on a design for the granite marker. It arrived a few weeks ago, and we chose a quiet hour in the middle of hectic schedules to say another, more intimate good-bye to Jessie.

Rebecca said a prayer. Chris read a scripture. I read a poem by Jessie.

Sarah sang the song “On My Way” from Disney’s Brother Bear movie, which Jessie’s elementary school teachers Elaine Lampros and Robin Falabella had selected as their class theme song during Jessie’s tenure in their classroom at Winthrop Elementary. When she was in transplant, and couldn’t attend class, her peers and teachers would skype with her by computer and sing songs. This was a favorite for everyone, and they sang it again during her memorial service in 2007.

Sarah sang her own interpretation of “On My Way” today. She paused. Collected herself. And moved the rest of us to tears, though her voice held out and she filled the afternoon with amazing eloquence and expression.

Interestingly, many burials hide the reality of what’s happening. The hole in the ground is covered with plywood and then a grass carpet. A handsome wooden stand is placed outside to use as a backdrop for the urn, flowers, photos and other memorabilia. We try to disguise the elemental nature of this entire ritual.

And yet, our family had planned, rather spontaneously with Rebecca, to place Jessie’s container of ashes inside the earthen hole ourselves. And then fill it with roses and other objects.

So during our private service, we peeled away all the polite artificial layers that hid the pile of relocated earth, the uprooted patch of green grass, and the hole in the ground. We exposed all of this.

Then we placed the sealed canister, decorated in black dog prints as a reminder of our dog Lacey whom Jessie loved, with ashes inside it… into the small rectangular cavity in the dark soft spring soil. Nested pink roses around the container, speaking or remaining silent, depending on preference.

In the midst of our private ritual, we had some giggles. After we placed roses, we placed dog biscuits to remember Lacey. Rebecca even gave a biscuit to Jessie to pass along to our dog, wherever they both are (we believe they’re together).

At one point, a fat black-and-yellow bumble bee buzzed around Rebecca. And then an insect flew up and crawled around my collarbones, skittish and small, through much of the service. During our brief ceremony, the low-slung grey sky filled with mist as soft as a kiss, more gentle than our own weeping.

Life tickled us along the edges, and pressed moist and tender against our cheeks. We smiled at each other, just as much as we sniffled and sobbed. I like to think that Jessie was with us, savoring our focus on her presence and her passage, but also reminding us not to take everything too seriously. To enjoy the moment, to look up at the arching maples and warbling larks overhead, instead of just down at the recently turned earth.

Rebecca then sang another song for us, called “What a Wonderful World” by Louis Armstrong. We think of it as Jessie’s theme song. (Jessie loved this song for the elements of sunshine and color that it conjured up for her, and she requested that Rebecca sing it to her while she was in intensive care unit  — ICU — at Childrens Hospital, breathing with the support of a ventilator, just a few weeks before she died.)

Finally, Rebecca knelt and started scooping the small mound of loose dark soil back into the hole. We found and held rocks that had been displaced. Took turns moving the dirt, getting our hands grubby in a primal, satisfying way. Then placed our stones on top of the loose earth, and said our final thoughts. Sang one more song together.

The good-bye in 2007 was public. It was orchestrated to express Jessie’s well-rounded and vivid life, and to comfort all of us in an engaging way that especially helped the many children and young people who were trying to understand or simply deal with her passage. Over 600 people came to share that time with us.

Today was private. We fell apart. Could be our imperfect ourselves. Improvise. Leak. Pause. Choose to speak or not. Let go in a different way.

It was a milestone that we have all needed.

I’m sharing, here, the words to the song “On My Way” both as text, and also as an audio file on Youtube, recorded several years ago during Jessie’s memorial service, as sung by her classmates to a congregation of about 600 people. My favorite lines of this song — within the context of saying farewell, but also believing that Jessie visits us, and that we’ll be reunited at some point along the journey — are “Cause there’s nothing like  seein’ each other again, No matter what the distance between, And the stories that we tell will make you smile …”

Yes. I’m looking forward to swapping stories again. And meeting each other somewhere down the path.

On My Way

by Phil Collins (Disney’s Brother Bear)

Tell everybody I’m on my way
New friends and new places to see
With blue skies ahead, yes I’m on my way
And there’s no where else that I’d rather be

Tell everybody I’m on my way
And I’m loving every step I take
With the sun beatin’ down, yes I’m on my way
And I can’t keep this smile off my face

‘Cause there’s nothing like  seein’ each other again
No matter what the distance between
And the stories that we tell will make you smile
Oh it really lifts my heart

So tell ‘em all I’m on my way
New friends and new places to see
And to sleep under the stars and could ask for more
With the moon keeping watch over me

Not the snow not the rain can change my mind
The sun will come out wait and see
And the feeling of the wind in your face can lift your heart
Oh, there’s no where I would rather be

‘Cause I’m on my way now

Well and truly
I’m on my way now

I’m on my way now
I’m on my way now
I’m on my way now

Tell everybody I’m on my way
And I just can’t wait to be there
With blue skies ahead, yes I’m on my way
And nothing but good times to share

So, tell everybody I’m on my way
And I just can’t wait to be home
With the sun beating down, yes I’m on my way
And nothing but good times to show

I’m on my way
Yes, I’m on my way

If anyone wants to see the service from 4-1/2 years ago, which includes dancing, shouting “ki-ai” with a karate instructor, listening to  storytelling and a few reflections about Jessie, I’m providing the links: Part 1 of 5 | Part 2 of 5 | Part 3 of 5 | Part 4 of 5 | Part 5 of 5.